I began hooking up with a co-worker last fall after my boyfriend and I broke up. I knew that the new guy liked me. Well at least I think he did. We had been co-workers for awhile and I considered him my buddy/friend. We didn't get to hang out very often because we worked opposite shifts. But we still got along pretty well and I enjoyed his company.
I never really thought that he liked me though people had hinted at it. He was flirtatious and friendly. Who wouldn't enjoy that kind of behavior? Then one night while drunk we're having fun goofing off and it comes out that he likes me. I think I like him too. One kiss and then it's lets just pass out, I'm still dating someone. We'll deal with this later. I
'm flattered. It's nice to know this guy likes me. It's always great to hear that you're liked. Am I wrong? I break up with my boyfriend because of other things besides this boy, but I clearly have a liking for someone else so I probably shouldn't drag either one of them along and have it turn out badly. The boyfriend and I just don't have a lot of time for each other anyway. It's fairly mutual (although I'm pretty sure he hates me for telling him about the guy from work liking me and that I might have feelings for him too) Anyway. It ends and something kind of begins with the co-worker.
I'm happy. It's fun. Again, it's flattering to know he likes me. He's a nice guy. Adorable and he makes me laugh. He's intelligent and we have fun together. What's not to like about that? With in the first couple weeks we just hook up a couple times. Now, here's when I think it goes wrong and where I think the situation turns ridiculous because people can be stupid.
I'm ok with the situation being a hook-up. I'm not looking for a relationship since I just broke up with the boyfriend. I know the new guy doesn't really want a relationship either. We've had this conversation before. I get it. I respect it. But I apparently did not make that very known to him.
After the first week, I'm still texting him in the fashion we had before. Trying to make jokes, see if he wants to hang out. Clearly that was too much because he doesn't text me back all week ( I feel like such a dork right now..."oh my god he didn't text me back" I promise you I'm not some stupid little high school girl, although I'm sure that's what the texting sentences sounded like) I'm getting a little pissed .A little confused. I start to realize that he probably thinks I'm being stalker-ish. Oh SHIT. This is not what I wanted. I thought we could still be friends like we were before which consisted of joking around and talking about hanging out. I clearly did a little too much of it all.
I finally do the much needed, but fairly dorky text message of "What's going on? I promise I'm not trying to put you in a relationship. I thought we were still buddies" He replies that we are still friends/buddies, but "I need my space". Oh holy shit! This would have been good information to know half way through the week. Fuck! I totally freaked him out and didn't mean to. HONESTLY I didn't mean to. I let him know he needs to tell me these things. But I doubt he gets it. So now I'm dealing with the fact that he thinks I'm a weirdo. Awesome. Great. It went from being flattered that he liked me and hooking up to no hooking up and having him think I'm one of "those" girls. Ya know the ones that get too attached. Ugh. Now I'm frustrated. I cry at one point. Because now I feel used. And I don't feel like his friend and this pisses me off. I'm frustrated. Mostly because I no longer have this friend. Someone who I think we could have been good friends. We had a decent amount in common and could have good conversations.
My question then is this: Can men and women not be hook-ups and friends at the same time? Don't they sometimes call them "fuck buddies"? This is what I figured we'd be but the buddy/friend thing seemed to go out of the window. Sure every once in awhile after that initial whatever we hooked-up but that's all it really was. We never just hung out anymore after that. Not often anyway, not that I can remember. It's too bad that it had to all work out that way. I come to the conclusion that it's more his loss than mine. Maybe I'm being conceited but I figure he missed out on what could have been a good thing. A good friendship. I don't really feel so much like I am missing out now. He made his decision to not really be friends. How come I could deal with it but he couldn't? Where was the communication? in this day and age you think communication about such things would be easier. I guess we were never really on the same page. It's frustrating. Now I just think I'm labeled as "that girl. the weird one." OH well. Life clearly goes on...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
an ode to my best friend:
My best friend is great.
We don't get to see much of eachother. We live about an hour apart driving and have been for the past year or so. With gas prices getting higher and higher, we don't get to travel to see eachother. We've started to gain our own lives in our respective cities too. But there is just something about her that is so great.
I don't know what it is but I just know she will always be there for me. I know that even though we don't talk to eachother every day, in fact we rarely have phone conversations, I just still know she will be there for me when I need her. She's great. Really she is. She has taught me some of my most important life lessons. She was still my friend, and I felt like she was still there for me when I was a dumb ass at times. When I brought religion on her, and when I was an idiot and began hanging out with people from another crowd more just because I liked a guy. She was still by my side. And though I may have been a pain in the ass, she is still my friend. She keeps me grounded. She keeps life interesting because she is so interesting and grounded herself. She has opened my eyes to so many ideas. I can't help but appreciate her and commend her for that. She is such a strong person too, for all the shit she's gone through. I like knowing that she will be there for me. I don't need to talk to her every night. We don't need that. I may not see her often,b ut I know that when we do see eachother it will be good. It will be comfortable and she will listen.
We don't get to see much of eachother. We live about an hour apart driving and have been for the past year or so. With gas prices getting higher and higher, we don't get to travel to see eachother. We've started to gain our own lives in our respective cities too. But there is just something about her that is so great.
I don't know what it is but I just know she will always be there for me. I know that even though we don't talk to eachother every day, in fact we rarely have phone conversations, I just still know she will be there for me when I need her. She's great. Really she is. She has taught me some of my most important life lessons. She was still my friend, and I felt like she was still there for me when I was a dumb ass at times. When I brought religion on her, and when I was an idiot and began hanging out with people from another crowd more just because I liked a guy. She was still by my side. And though I may have been a pain in the ass, she is still my friend. She keeps me grounded. She keeps life interesting because she is so interesting and grounded herself. She has opened my eyes to so many ideas. I can't help but appreciate her and commend her for that. She is such a strong person too, for all the shit she's gone through. I like knowing that she will be there for me. I don't need to talk to her every night. We don't need that. I may not see her often,b ut I know that when we do see eachother it will be good. It will be comfortable and she will listen.
Monday, February 04, 2008
annoyed is what i do best.
Annoyed is something I do pretty well. I'm quite easily annoyed at times. Not to say that I'm constantly annoyed, I can keep my cool, but it's different things that get to me and do so quite easily. For instance the drivers that like to drive 20-25mph on a road that is 30 or 35mph! wtf?! I could get annoyed and angry at them forever. Along with the people who consistently walk across the middle of the road when it is busy and I almost hit them! One of these days I'm going to actually hit them and it's going to be the pedestrian's fault. I'm all about having my rights as a pedestrian or a biker but dammit if you're going to be one, you should at least follow the pedestrian laws.
But what is getting to me most these days is the fear of what someone else thinks of me. Usually this wouldn't bother me because really I could care less what some random stranger or acquaintance thinks of me. Yet, this has to deal with someone who is a friend and then I guess, became a bit more than a friend. A hook-up really. I have this nasty feeling that he thinks I am the clingy-weird girl. But I'm NOT! And I can't find a way to show or tell him that. Is it bad to be sitting around at times thinking that he's probably disgusted or annoyed with me? Or that I don't say too much to him anymore because I'm afraid he's going to take it the wrong way. Like anything more than "hi how's it going" is going to set off something stupid in his brain to think that I'm wanting more. And what's even harder is that he is someone I see most days, and lives near. Before this whole hook-up thing happen, we were friends who could hang out and have a good time, so I assume we can still do that same. Hence me asking him to hang out or text "what's up?" because I'm bored. They are a co-worker and live near and so like I am with most other co-workers and those who live in Minneapolis I try to hang out with them because they are near and convenient and I see the most of them. Most of my other friends don't live around here! so it's easy access for one thing... ugh. Anyway. It bothers me. Frustrates me. TO know that they probably do not understand me and that I'm losing a friend in a sense because he probably thinks I'm that kind of girl who clings and falls fast and wants a relationship. Shit, don't flatter yourself that much. Yes I like you and we are friends, that's why i want to hang out but you're not the end all of boys in my life. I'm annoyed because I don't appreciate someone, who I consider a friend, to not learn a little more about me and know that I wish we could just hang out again without him thinking stupid shit.
And, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know enough about what's going on in their head. I guess we just won't figure this out, and this annoyance will pass. It always does, but to think that someone you respect thinks of you in a manner that is not truly who you are. That's a little hurtful and frustrating. And so how do I go about this? Just forget it completely or do I say something? I get the urge to once in awhile because I'm annoyed, but then I think that he'll just find me scary if i ask "can we talk?" and then I just want to go off and tell him to not flatter himself so much as to think I'm stalking him. This is way too much thinking, but getting it out probably helps a lot.
I'm annoyed. It's what I do best sometimes. But I'll get over it. I always do
But what is getting to me most these days is the fear of what someone else thinks of me. Usually this wouldn't bother me because really I could care less what some random stranger or acquaintance thinks of me. Yet, this has to deal with someone who is a friend and then I guess, became a bit more than a friend. A hook-up really. I have this nasty feeling that he thinks I am the clingy-weird girl. But I'm NOT! And I can't find a way to show or tell him that. Is it bad to be sitting around at times thinking that he's probably disgusted or annoyed with me? Or that I don't say too much to him anymore because I'm afraid he's going to take it the wrong way. Like anything more than "hi how's it going" is going to set off something stupid in his brain to think that I'm wanting more. And what's even harder is that he is someone I see most days, and lives near. Before this whole hook-up thing happen, we were friends who could hang out and have a good time, so I assume we can still do that same. Hence me asking him to hang out or text "what's up?" because I'm bored. They are a co-worker and live near and so like I am with most other co-workers and those who live in Minneapolis I try to hang out with them because they are near and convenient and I see the most of them. Most of my other friends don't live around here! so it's easy access for one thing... ugh. Anyway. It bothers me. Frustrates me. TO know that they probably do not understand me and that I'm losing a friend in a sense because he probably thinks I'm that kind of girl who clings and falls fast and wants a relationship. Shit, don't flatter yourself that much. Yes I like you and we are friends, that's why i want to hang out but you're not the end all of boys in my life. I'm annoyed because I don't appreciate someone, who I consider a friend, to not learn a little more about me and know that I wish we could just hang out again without him thinking stupid shit.
And, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I don't know enough about what's going on in their head. I guess we just won't figure this out, and this annoyance will pass. It always does, but to think that someone you respect thinks of you in a manner that is not truly who you are. That's a little hurtful and frustrating. And so how do I go about this? Just forget it completely or do I say something? I get the urge to once in awhile because I'm annoyed, but then I think that he'll just find me scary if i ask "can we talk?" and then I just want to go off and tell him to not flatter himself so much as to think I'm stalking him. This is way too much thinking, but getting it out probably helps a lot.
I'm annoyed. It's what I do best sometimes. But I'll get over it. I always do
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)